![]() Miss Scarlett is an actress, but her dedication to the art of seduction is far from an act. Also the colour red is sexy as all heck and she fucking knows it. The slightest flick of her hips and the other suspects go crazy for her mysterious ways. The hat’s a crime against fashion, but let’s overlook it for the moment, there are bigger crimes being committed during a game of Cluedo after all. That low cut dress didn’t design itself, she probably had it tailored for maximum impact. Basically, what we are dealing with here is a very horny man and the second horniest Cluedo murder suspect overall.Įven her stance alone suggests that this woman is fond of fornication. Professor Plum is so horny, he finds it difficult to concentrate during Cluedo and is constantly making seedy references to his plums, the scamp. He was “cleaning his artefacts” when the murder took place, but I think we all know what that means: he was watching anime porn. The dude’s an archaeologist, a profession which may as well be renamed to ‘sex-pestery’, so notorious are its folk for being horny. His stance suggests that he’s thoughtfully sizing you up (for relations), but we all know he’s a Yes Man, regardless of age, gender, race or murderous tendencies. The Professor has a quiff for fuck sake, that’s the most blatant sign of a massive horn since winking was invented. He’s getting on a bit in life, but that hasn’t curtailed his insatiable appetite for coitus, not one single solitary bit. This man is gagging for it and won’t stand for your judgement a second longer. His surname might be a condiment, but as close as you’ll get him to using one. You might catch Mustard without his monocle for a brief moment, but that’s only because it has fogged up from an excess of horniness. The man specialises in weaponry, but it turns out that the biggest weapon of all is buried deep within, hiding like a fugitive from the authorities. What possibly could those circumstances entail? His horniness, that’s what. It says above that he left the military due to “suspicious circumstances”. He douses himself in Sex Panther every morning and primes himself like a pig for slaughter. Colonel Mustard is a dapper military man with a horn larger than Gary Barlow’s tax arrears. His legs are sufficiently spread, his jacket fitted to perfection, arms hidden behind his broad and broody back, topped off with a tease of a smile that would make the most extreme of frigid folk go weak at the knees. That, my friends, is the stance of a man that is fond of intercourse. For these reasons, I give her four horns out of six. Peacock would never work in this town again, the saucy minx. Her reputation is extremely important to her, so if it got out that she was a crazed horny lunatic, she’d be ruined. Someone’s threatening to leak her nudes and intimate videos online unless she pays up. There’s rumours circulating that she’s being blackmailed, but what ever for? Revenge porn, that’s what. Not that an outfit can convey one’s horn, but the addition of an umbrella suggests that Peacock isn’t fond of getting wet, but always comes prepared. Peacock is a married woman who dresses like a burlesque dancer, so all signs point to a sizeable yet respectable horn. The woman is posher than posh and fond of a gossip, but that doesn’t mean she’s not entitled to get her kicks in whatever fashion she pleases. She’s more horny than you’d think, but less horny than half of her fellow Cluedo murder suspects.
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